what if everything goes wrong? :(

man, i am so dazed. there is so much that needs to work out just perfectly for me over the next few days, i am getting stressed just imagining the worst.
first there was the recording fiasco...i never wrote about the other reason why i felt shitty at the studio...i have been meeting up with a few crew members from another unit...who have spared me no grief about my film and my reasons for doing it...
in a few words, they shower false praise at me, while actually snickering that i am digging my own grave....man! that was another downer....but i am over it..i think...
(cant be too elaborate about the who's and the when's, they might be reading this website for all i know)...

ok so coming back to my state of mind...
i am getting paranoid....
what if everything goes wrong on the preview day...
what if the projector stops working...what if the audio is shitty...
what if no one from the press turns up....what if no one turns up...what if people walk out even before giving the film a chance...
oh man the list goes on....and i cant help feeling eveything that can go wrong will....and my one big moment, will only be one embarrassing memory....what if everything goes wrong?..
i first thought the 9th was the best, but looks like the 12th is better cus its the weekend...what if the theatre wont re-schedule my dates...what if no one listens to me....

what if no one takes me seriously....

i'm tired...its hot...i'm going to sleep.

why the fuck should anything work out for an idiot who decided he was smarter than the system....why should anything work out!

whatever.......
i wish i made a comedy or love story....not something i need to pull my hair to convince people about....
no, i am proud of 'confessions'...but it is overwhelming me...

but what if everything goes wrong for me on the big day? what if NOTHING HAPPENS....man, i will drown....drown drown drown....

i need to a divine force to stay with me over the next few days....to just guide me...man i wish i was religious....

sigh...

p.s i know ill feel better in the morning...i am writing to only feel better...so no one worry about me...

auf wiedersehen....good night...bye...sigh

tossed around

with hardly anytime left until the 9th of may, i see myself being asked to re-schedule my own final mix, to accommodate everyone else at the studio..
so i have no option but to work at nights, or when the engineer is too tired to do anything about the mix...

this is too tiring and stressful and is really getting on my nerves. i have no option left now but to pack my tracks and find another studio...
time is of the essence, and suddenly no one seems to have it for me...

the video is done

it was quite a weekend. i think we travelled approx 400km, in and around the city. and i will never sit in a toyota innova again. its such an over-rated car.
anyways, coming back to the video.
it was an intense and cathartic affair for me. with just one camera in hand, and the stress of canning a multitude of shots for a video....well i did my best under the cirsumstances. in retrospect, i wish i could have done better...i could have...but just couldnt....
but like in all my earlier experiences, i have been able to churn out something reasonable....i am confident i can do it this time round with the video, i just might have to work harder on it....

meanwhile its back to the studios for the final mix...the pressure is building as the film approachs the final lap of work....i see vultures hovering over me :), its pay time for some folks out there... and i mean 'pay time'.
man...

film work is weird....the closer you are to finishing it, the harder it gets...

man what a trip these 6 months were...
lets see whats in store for the future....

let me leave you with a few images from the week gone by....

in a couple hours and a couple of days

i will be shooting the music video in a couple of hours from now. been unable to sleep. wont be sleeping until sometime early monday i think. i'm going to be on the road with the camera and the band the entire weekend.
and then later this week, maybe before the following weekend. the film would be wrapped once and for all...

this is the final frontier...

recordings done, just mulling over the video

as days go by, i seem to have little to write or speak about. i think its because the films work is coming to an end. the final mix will start on monday after which i approach the censors...and from then on, its pretty much upto destiny...

however i have decided i will shoot myself everyday leading upto the preview show on the 9th...if i am not able to muster up too many words...maybe my pics will...

so here are a few pics from yesterday and the night before....some images make me think about how self indulgent film-making is...

aren't there bigger needs and bigger reasons...ofcourse there are...but i am too self indulgent to think about them.

no work,just hangin out

i know we have a winner

xabyssus has created a piece of music, which i cant to wait to show to the world. its an incredible,lasting,heady,trip which is a good 7min 32sec. an anthem...the theme music for cof.

and i know its one of those great pieces of music.....of all time!

no i am not drunk. wait till you listen to it.
meanwhile some pics from a few hours ago. more recording work tomorrow.
oh did i mention we are shooting the music video this weekend.
so a jam packed week ahead, just the way i like it.

the music is on the floors

well the jammings done, we've been recording in the studio since friday.wont say much right now. have a hangover from last night. will just leave you with some pictures for now.

anurag kashyap made my day :)

an article for passionforcinema.com was overdue, so i decided to check it out today to see what everyone is talking about.
and lo and behold there is an article by anurag kashyap called "the new wave is coming".

to understand why i am pleased as punch, pl go to the link here and read the article..

http://passionforcinema.com/the-new-wave-is-comingbheja-fry-and-manorama-six-feet-under/

meanwhile i have to get back to work now.

the 'times' article

‘The film industry is mafia-like’

Filmmaker Anish Kuruvilla is on a quest for ‘better cinema’. And he believes Tollywood is falling seriously short

CHARISMA MURARI Times News Network

WHAT lurks in the underbelly of Tollywood? Filmmaker Anish Kuruvilla has observations to share, and a disclaimer to add before he gets into them, “I have been in the industry for over 10 years. I have been an assistant director, actor and executive producer. I have been associated with critically acclaimed movies like Dollar Dreams, Anand and, more recently, Godavari. I am not some wasted daarudrinking loser. I know what I am talking about.”

And then he wastes no time in trying to explain why he had to make a movie that would be called Confessions of a Filmmaker, and that would do exactly what its title suggests. “The film industry is mafia-like. Everything is about family and bloodline, and anyone who doesn’t belong to any of the dynasties can’t break in,” he says, adding, “The industry is further divided by caste. People of a caste work together. Heck, the first question you are asked when you join a set is, ‘ay oor meeru’ (which village are you from). Give me a break. We are trying to make movies here! And we’ll never make a multi-starrer. Because every actor is concerned about how his fans would be affected. They all think they “owe” something to the fans, and that the fans would be annoyed if they worked with a certain actor!”

Anish continues, “The Vajrotsavam (the 75th anniversary celebrations of Tollywood) speaks for how people are in the industry. They all came of as school kids. It is remembered for the mess it created. But no one wants to talk about it. For that will upset the powers that be, and people don’t want to alienate the big producers or directors. And the actors, well, they call all the shots anyway. It’s pathetic to see big directors getting up from their chairs and saluting – with bowed heads – heroes for just showing up on the sets. I have seen the socalled big directors grovelling.”

Why did Anish feel inspired to tell this story? “Because there is more to cinema than the titillating things that Tollywood wants us to see. They want to shove a song, which almost literally translates into sexual intercourse. And it has extremely suggestive hand-movements as well! It’s all rather atrocious. I believe cinema can be more meaningful. And I can say what I think because I am not getting my bread and butter from the big daddies, as it were.” How then are guys like him financing their movies? “By selling our land, cars, homes. It’s really as basic as that.”

needless to say some liberties where taken by the journalist in quoting me. i guess thats the way it is and i am fine with that.

some more pics fom the jam yesterday

while i wallow in self doubt and fear, here are some pictures from yesterdays jam.
we have a great tune and some great music.

is any of this going to be worth it though? i have a shitty day ahead of me. need some strength and words of support. waiting for the rest of the world to wake up and read the story in the times.

until later, my mom's getting a heart attack downstairs. sigh.

the times of india article

The times of india did an article on me today. And boy am I being made to feel bad about it. (will post a link as soon as there is one, or will scan)

Apparently there is no need for all this angst and no need for such debate.And maybe there wasn't any need for this movie. I shouldn't be messing around with the holy grail of telugu cinema, I shouldn't be dooming myself. right?

Its not going to be an easy day out for me today.

THE MAY 9TH DEADLINE

I WAS WAITING FOR AN ANSWER. AN ANSWER TO WHEN I MUST STOP WORKING ON THIS FILM. AN ANSWER AS TO WHEN I NEED TO TAKE THIS OUT OF MY SYSTEM. I GOT IT AND I WILL LIVE UPTO IT.

ITS MAY 9TH. ONE WHOLE YEAR SINCE GODAVARI RELEASED. AND THIS FILM WOULD NEVER HAVE HAPPENED IF NOT FOR MY EXPERIENCES SINCE THAT TIME.

SO ONE MONTH FROM NOW,WHETHER I HAVE A DISTRIBUTOR OR NOT, WHETHER I GET CENSOR OR PUBLICITY CLEARANCE OR NOT. THE FILM WILL BE OUT FOR EVERYONE TO WATCH IN WHATEVER FORM.
I AM HOPING I GET A DISTRIBUTOR FOR A 11TH RELEASE HERE...FINGERS CROSSED, SO MUCH ELSE NEEDS TO WORK OUT FOR ME AND THE FILM OVER THE NEXT FEW WEEKS.

THE MUSIC IS BEING WORKED ON RIGHT NOW AS I SPEAK. HOPEFULLY WE SHOULD HIT THE RECORDING STUDIOS LATER THIS WEEK. AND FROM THERE ITS A DASH TO THE FINISH..

YEAH, MAY 9TH FOLKS...I WILL LIVE UPTO IT THIS TIME ROUND. ACTUALLY HAVE MORE TO TALK ABOUT...BUT WILL SETTLE WITH THIS RIGHT NOW...GOTTA RUSH TO THE JAM SESSION.

meanwhile some pics from the last couple of days.

the poster

well its a sample.not yet final.but i am using it as a flyer, putting it up on windshields,handing it to joggers etc.

EXABYSSUS AT WORK

alright, so yes my film is done except for the music. yep, the band watched the film yesterday and they have figured out what is pretty much needed for COF. i think. :)
so, they are going to start jamming and hopefully start recording soon.

on my part, although the film is ready, i really want to see where i can get with the music too. so looks like the first showing/private screening will be delayed by a couple of weeks. but i am really hoping its all going to be worth it. something inside me says i wont regret.

i trust the band, is going to create something truly special. i just have this feeling. and i know its going to help the film immensely.
while i can understand these new developments are tiresome, i simply want to do whats best for the film, there is no clock ticking anywhere...i want to see how far i can push things technically and creatively by not spending too much money :)

thats a tough task. but for now, its music time.

The Music of COF-2

follow me into my abyss of dreams n views
make me an object of observation
make me a song but i wont rhyme for sure
im might sound numb but guess am just ok

ride me to the dawn and let me loose
i wanna confess i wanna let go
laugh with me n let me cry when i want to
i wanna confess... tryin to express

let me change into something more comfortable
the day will be long n tiring u better now
play around with ur vision and
capture what may really seem insignificant.

music and lyrics by KRIS

The Music of 'COF'

i got sunlit clouds shinin on my head
as i walk on the road to nowhere
lookin at the world dat turned me down
as i contemplate my views on 'the man'

i gotmy reasons so clear to me
but i wnt push u to understand
look at the world thru the 'eye'
they made it look so obscene now

pieces of my mind scattered everywhere
gotta pick em up b4 i lose my stand
a fever, a dervish to make my day
a better place dan yesterday

i throw a pebble at the darkwithout no hope
n i laugh at the reasons dey throw me back
i got nuthin to lose n a lot i can give
closer to nowhere n dats where i am..

lyrics and music by KRIS.

yes this is the biggest decision i have made so far. i am going to get some original music done for COF. there will be some covers too, but i really want to stay away from stuff people have too many associations with... yep, thats it...music is being composed and written as i write this....more on this exciting new development later...

the piece above is the first song written for the FILM. In time they will all be available in a store close to you :). I have big hopes on this guy and his band.

ideas, innovations and work

its been a whirlwind few days now. the film is inching towards completion, but there are still changes being made...but yes, its going to be ready soon...i think... :)
i cant seem to help it,considering i am going to be judged big time, until i make my next film.i really wanna give this the best shot i can...and i am growing in confidence everyday...anyways enough about me...the film is going to be ready soon.

so we are out of the world cup, i dont even have time to feel depressed about it. the weight of the film is getting heavier by the day.
everyone who has read this blog so far, must already know, how lucky i must get, when it comes to the release...

and thats why a lot of my time is also being spent trying to think of new and inventive ways to ensure proper publicity and a release of some sort...

and yes, i have some great ideas for it, which i will write about when the time is right...meanwhile a small mention to be made...confessions is now a '.com'. thats right....
you can also type in http://www.confessionsofafilmmaker.com/ (confessions of a filmmaker)
you will be re-directed to the same blog, but a new website is going to come into existence very soon...

you will be able to access wallpapers,trailers,music from the film...and maybe one day even watch it!!...
but "for every technological decision...there is room for innovation" (my phraseology, i declare!)
...and i think me and some inventive folks i met today, might just create some news sooner or later in the web-world...

curious...i hope so...i am excited about some possibile realities....even if they are not really possible...
will keep you posted.

'THE HINDU' ARTICLE ON "CONFESSIONS"

THE HINDU
Online edition of India's National Newspaper
Wednesday, Mar 21, 2007

Real into reel

Anish Kuruvilla is making a film based on his experience in the Telugu film industry

Anish Kuruvilla is known for his sharp analysis of the human mind and Telugu cinema. So when he has something new to say, people listen with rapt attention. A Malayali brought up in Hyderabad, Anish worked for over a decade in Hyderabad with filmmakers like Mani Sankar, Shekar Kammula and Nagesh Kukunoor. He is currently in news for making a film, Confessions of a filmmaker, based on his experience in the Telugu cinema industry.

Anish feels that the industry continues to unleash clichéd commercial films designed for stars keeping their image or iconic status in mind. "The clock has stopped somewhere, we can never make stories as long as stars demand that the film should revolve around them. These heroes play characters that make them get a better fan following. The producers, directors and all those connected with the film buckle under the system."

The audience has got used to mediocrity and has found comfort in familiarity, says Anish. "We have very little to be proud of as this is not a place for talented directors or those with a vision for good cinema. I want every educated person who values his time and money to analyse the film they watch and not be lazy to even react. We are watching these films because we have no choice."

Confessions of a filmmaker is not a campaign; it's a story of a director who is in the crossroads of his life and breaks down when the film he wants to make doesn't happen. He begins to look down and questions the system he has been with. He calls a cameraman to start shooting him because he thinks he has a lot to say and while he constructs a series of events, there begins a trip down the Telugu cinema industry. Anish says, "My vision is for a strong movement in the industry where people come forward because they have a story to tell and not because the star is waiting to become the hero of the story. We don't want icons. I don't want my son to grow up wanting to be a particular hero."

The movie is like any regular feature film - seventy percent has been shot in Telugu and the rest in English. It downplays the caste system and the star system around which the future of Telugu cinema revolves. So let's hope the censor clears the body of work, which is not only brutally honest but aims at inspiring young filmmakers to make a story for themselves. While his film might trigger controversies, it has so far sparked the thought process of many.

Y. SUNITA CHOWDHARY

http://www.hindu.com/mp/2007/03/21/stories/2007032100480100.htm

feeling good

yeah, although the weekend was spent in doubt and depression over my movie, facing questions like, why the fuck did i make it? everyone is going to hate it? why didnt i simply make a comedy? i dont know why i made what i made? this is trash! whats the use!i dont know what to do with this! etc etc.

well that was the dark weekend behind me, as i confronted those issues, i came out feeling better last night. my climax looks great, a couple of troublesome scenes look like they will work somehow...hmm...a simple scene now looks cooler...a complex scene now looks simpler and more hard hitting....yeah i am happy...
actually no matter what the end result...its fucking original.

just thought i'd write that down for today...

i love this world....and the people in it. :)